With or Without Grace
by thewinchesterlifestyle
Summary: But with grace flowing through him once more the angel found himself wishing for the chaotic emotions and experiences he'd suffered as a human. Anything to stop him from seeing the pain flaring through Dean Winchester's soul. (Coda for 9.10)


**Disclaimer**:_ If you recognize it then it isn't mine._

**Pairing**:_ Pre-Cas/Dean_

**Warning**:_ This is 9.10 coda. So spoilers for that episode._

* * *

As a human stumbling around in a world that was far harsher and violent than he'd expected Castiel had learned several lessons. Some of them he wished with every fiber of his being that he hadn't learned and others he couldn't help but wish he'd learned much sooner. There were things he had discovered about himself and others. If he'd had more time as a human maybe he could have truly figured out what kind of person he would have been but hearing that Ezekiel died in the fall had quickly decided his priorities. Dean _needed_ to be informed about it and Cas didn't believe he had enough to offer to the fight as a simple human.

But with grace flowing through him once more the angel found himself wishing for the chaotic emotions and experiences he'd suffered as a human. Anything to stop him from seeing the pain flaring through Dean Winchester's soul. It was bright and violent and throbbed in the very core of his being. The same soul that he'd cut through Hell to find. The soul he'd cradled in his grace and carried out of the fire. The Righteous Man. Michael's vessel. But to Castiel he had quickly become _Dean_. A fixed point in his life that he constantly kept in sight. Something to strive for and to defend. Something worth his faith.

Now he could _see_ the soul deep pain that accompanied Dean's words. That Dean meant every single one of them. He believed he was poison. That all the pain and death was because of him. Cas could feel it. How it brushed against his stolen grace and grated along the edges. How it burned and twisted and cried out in agony. Dean Winchester was showing pain on the outside, emotional pain, but it was a fraction of what he felt inside. That pain stained the entirety of his soul. Of his essence. Knowing how it felt to be human, lost and alone, he wanted to step close. To offer some kind of physical comfort that he'd witnessed so many humans offering before. But he stilled himself. Instead he watched the brothers and tried to ignore the pain screaming out to him.

There was also the addition of being able to once more hear Dean's prayers and that familiar voice, the voice he could pick out in the entirety of the universe, asked him to stay. But it wasn't with him. Instead Dean was asking him to stay with Sam. To help his brother and watch over him. He wanted to argue. Wanted to grab onto Dean and crush him in a tight hug because someone needed to. Someone needed to tell Dean that yes he'd made a mistake but they were all in this together. That he didn't need to exile himself from his home. The place he'd slowly started to build and establish as a safe place. He wanted to tell him again that he'd made that mistake for the right reasons and that's what mattered.

Their eyes locked and Dean looked away. Castiel almost couldn't believe that Sam told his brother to go. That he was dismissing him but at the same time he could see the pain in the words. How it was killing both of them. He knew the depth of care they felt for each other. Knew that it had sent Dean to Hell and Sam into his own downward spiral. They were the best and worse of each other at times. He watched Dean walking away towards the Impala and had to force himself to remain with Sam.

_He needs you, Cas. Please look out for Sammy because I apparently can't. I keep failing him._

The words cut into Cas and he had to steal himself against the pain in them. Sam's body was damaged, his being injured, and he needed to be healed. But Dean was emotionally injured, his soul screamed out in anguish, but what he needed was care in a completely different form than Sam. Cas's grace reached out along the bond he'd only once spoken of and offered what comfort he could. He could feel Dean's acceptance of it when the Impala's door shut and how the hunter seemed to absorb it within him. How Dean's soul clung to that comfort and treasured it silently. Held it close to his heart.

"Why didn't you go with him?" Sam's voice caught his attention and Cas turned blue eyes on the youngest Winchester. He could read the pain in Sam. Could feel it along with the confusion, betrayal and suffering at watching Dean leave.

Cas stared him for a moment longer and glanced a little deeper into Sam's soul before furrowing his brow. The Winchester before him thought of Cas as strictly Dean's angel. "You need to be healed." he spoke simply. "I have to restore you." Sam went to take a step and Cas watched how he stumbled slightly before stepping close to offer support. Slowly they moved towards the car and he helped Sam into the passenger seat. "You should rest."

He shut the door and moved around to the driver's side. It was something he'd found he enjoyed. Driving. And smiling he got behind the wheel to steer them towards the bunker. But unlike Dean he flicked through the various stations. Never settling on one because he loved all kinds of music. He wanted to listen to it all. "That would drive Dean crazy." Sam murmured from where he leaned against the window. "Changing stations so often."

Blue eyes glanced over and he allowed a small smile to steal across his features. "I know." a hint of amusement could be detected. Of course he knew of Dean's musical preferences. There were often times when he'd been in the Impala that Dean would fill the car with talk of various bands, singers and songs that he loved. Speaking of what it was about each that he found enjoyment in and Cas had realized that Dean was sharing little pieces of himself in a different way.

Sam watched his face and smiled slightly. Of course Cas knew that about Dean. The two of them were almost ridiculous together and the more time he spent with them the more he was able to keep picking up these little pieces to the puzzle. But like those puzzles you buy in the store he already knew what the final picture looked like. He was just waiting for the two of them to figure it out. "Thank you for helping him when I was...out of commission." he stumbled over the words and fought to keep his eyes open. To focus on this one thing. "He...he takes it pretty hard where you're concerned."

Cas's hands tightened slightly on the wheel. He could tell that Sam was forcing himself to get these words out and knew the emotion behind them. Knew the intent. But what the man next to him needed was rest. "Sam you don't have to." he murmured and focused on the road ahead of them.

"Yeah I kind of do, Cas." Sam closed his eyes and licked his lips as he pushed forward. "You're family and I'm sure you know that to Dean there is nothing higher than family. It's the end all for him. You're also his best friend." he shifted in his seat looking for a more comfortable position. The seats were different than the Impala and it took a little adjusting to find it. "But I think there is something more and you just...just give him a little time. He's stubborn and stupid about those kinds of things. When it comes to happiness he'll look for everyone else's before his own. And if he thinks for a second he's ruining someone's chance at it then he'll close off and step away."

When Cas glanced over he could see Sam's eyes fixed on him. The pain and exhaustion that had been in them earlier was completely gone in the face of Sam's insistence at explaining his brother to the one other being he was sure would understand. The one other individual who had enough Dean Winchester experience and memories to get it. "_Sam_."

"Don't let him." it was strong and the words hung in the air. They were heavy and hot as they practically branded themselves in Cas's very being. "Don't let him push you away. Dig your heels in, hold your ground, and don't let him be an ass. Don't let him screw it up because Cas...he'll try his hardest if he thinks it's the right thing."

Cas nodded and Sam relaxed once more. His features smoothing out and it wasn't long before he'd allowed himself rest. Sam's words were still ringing between them. The angel didn't think he'd ever forget them or the meaning behind them. That Sam had seen fit to make sure Cas heard and understood them wasn't lost on him. So he kept driving and mulling them over in his mind until that familiar voice once more filtered through.

_I know I already said it but I'm sorry Cas. I'm sorry I fucked up. That I kicked you out when you needed me. That I took your home from you when you'd just gotten it. Because I want you to think of the bunker as home. You're always welcome there and I'm sorry for any pain that I know I caused. I'm broken, Cas. And I'm ruining everything I care about._

There was a pause as though Dean was taking a deep breath. Cas could feel the pain and the sincerity in every single word. He could also feel the resolve.

_If...if something happens to me. Please watch over Sam. I wouldn't trust him with anyone else. Take care of yourself, Cas. I know you've got your mojo back but just...stay safe. Fuck. I'm horrible at emotions and I know this isn't how praying works but it's all I got._

Cas closed his eyes briefly and tried not to growl to himself. Dean might think he's poison. That he ruins everything but Cas wasn't giving up on him. He was going to drag both Winchesters to the end even if it took his grace away again. Clipped his wings for good because he knew he could survive as a human. Knew that he had a home and if it cost him his grace to keep both of them safe it was a small price to pay. He wasn't going to let Dean Winchester burn no matter what the green eyed hunter thought. He'd raised him from perdition once and Cas would do it again if he needed to. Cas had fallen for Dean in more ways than one.


End file.
